When I was born in 1963 ultrasound was just developing (almost pre-natal, you could say) and many twins were discovered at birth. So, the only records I can rely on are my mother's memory of her pregnancy and my subconsciously stored memory. I have learned many interesting facts about neurology while working on my twinloss and my amygdala (no, this is NOT a princess from Star Wars) has become a fast friend. I call her Amy sometimes and blame her for my difficulties in life.
But there is one incident I firmly believe told me what happened to me and my twin in utero.
I had a dream one night that was unlike every other dream I ever had. Even while I was doing the finishing touches to the kitchen before going to bed I had the most curious feeling that something very important was going to happen. Like I had an appointment I was a little nervous about but also thrilled and expectant. I even thought I might die that night and was sorry for my family but not afraid.
I can still recall this feeling of expectancy.
That night I dreamed I was sitting on a window sill with one other and suddenly we both lost our balance. I was clutching at the window frame, terrified lest I tumble out of the window. The other one was clutching at ME, pulling me out after him (or her). I was fighting to get free, panicking and then I felt myself tumble down on the SAFE side of the window, inside the room, while my twin was falling, falling outside into not-being-there-anymore.
I woke up in the middle of the night with a piercing ache in my right temple, fell asleep again and had exactly the same dream again.
I never had another dream like that, but I believe it told me as clear as possible we BOTH were in danger of miscarriage that day and for some reason I managed to hold on and my twin didn't.
This also would explain my resentment to touch even as an infant and the panic that grips me when I catch somewhere, e.g. my sleeve on a handle.
No comments:
Post a Comment