A Meeting Place for Early loss twins

This is really my twin's Enjy's place, not mine. S/He does not have any other place in this world. S/He was miscarried at age four months in the womb. We were twins and made to be together for years and we were torn apart within seconds. This is the place where I go to talk to him/her and about him/her. Anyone who has lost a twin in utero or very early is very welcome here to read and share.

Tuesday, April 19, 2011

How I know what happened

When I was born in 1963 ultrasound was just developing (almost pre-natal, you could say) and many twins were discovered at birth. So, the only records I can rely on are my mother's memory of her pregnancy and my subconsciously stored memory. I have learned many interesting facts about neurology while working on my twinloss and my amygdala (no, this is NOT a princess from Star Wars) has become a fast friend. I call her Amy sometimes and blame her for my difficulties in life.

But there is one incident I firmly believe told me what happened to me and my twin in utero.
I had a dream one night that was unlike every other dream I ever had. Even while I was doing the finishing touches to the kitchen before going to bed I had the most curious feeling that something very important was going to happen. Like I had an appointment I was a little nervous about but also thrilled and expectant. I even thought I might die that night and was sorry for my family but not afraid.
I can still recall this feeling of expectancy.
That night I dreamed I was sitting on a window sill with one other and suddenly we both lost our balance. I was clutching at the window frame, terrified lest I tumble out of the window. The other one was clutching at ME, pulling me out after him (or her). I was fighting to get free, panicking and then I felt myself tumble down on the SAFE side of the window, inside the room, while my twin was falling, falling outside into not-being-there-anymore.
I woke up in the middle of the night with a piercing ache in my right temple, fell asleep again and had exactly the same dream again.

I never had another dream like that, but I believe it told me as clear as possible we BOTH were in danger of miscarriage that day and for some reason I managed to hold on and my twin didn't.
This also would explain my resentment to touch even as an infant and the panic that grips me when I catch  somewhere, e.g. my sleeve on a handle.

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