A Meeting Place for Early loss twins

This is really my twin's Enjy's place, not mine. S/He does not have any other place in this world. S/He was miscarried at age four months in the womb. We were twins and made to be together for years and we were torn apart within seconds. This is the place where I go to talk to him/her and about him/her. Anyone who has lost a twin in utero or very early is very welcome here to read and share.

Sunday, April 17, 2011

If my twin was a girl ...

I do not have any real proof for my twin's gender. When the miscarriage occurred my mother didn't stop to investigate, she just flushed the toilet.
I mentioned that I have always been searching for a brother and therefore "decided" on my twin being a brother but a small grain of doubt will probably be with me for ever.
There is one picture that seems to indicate a sister and I will share it here because it is part of my twinship one way or another. I painted it at age four with water-colours. My mother has kept it since through my parents separating and she moving from one flat and town to others. She says it hang always on her walls although she never could explain to herself why.
I used to explain that the girl with one foot on the ground is me, still bound to the confines of this life and therefore looking a little sorrowful, while my sister has both her feet in the air and is clearly having fun.
This picture means a lot to me. And after all, IF my twin was a girl, Enjy is a very pretty name for a girl, too :-).


  1. I like the picture that you painted Anjy! You never know, this could be an indication that you in fact had a twin sister. I agree with you that Anjy and Enjy would be perfect names for you and your twin!:) You have me thinking when you said that the picture showed you looking a little sorrowful while your sister was having fun. Sometimes when I look at pictures of Janine and me over the years and see how she had a bright smile while I always looked so sad I wonder if it was not an indication that sad times were ahead for me. This may be far-fetched but it really makes me wonder.

  2. Finding out about in-utero experiences is next to mission impossible. Shrinks can always tell you it's something else, no matter what you feel or think. So far, the only helpful way I can recommend is the "key-way". I imagine the part of my life barred from conscious memory like a room with a locked door and I am standing in front of that door with a bunch of keys. Now, I can ponder the shape of the keys, try to argue why one of them has to fit the lock and others possibly can't, but the only way to find out is try to put them into the lock and turn them. If the door opens it's the right key.

  3. Hi Anjy, I just discovered your blog today through Althea Hayton's website. Ihave to comment on this post, because I, lost an identical twin sister and a fraternal male triplet in-utero, I have always known that this happened, but not from my parents; they did not know. I believe that the surviving twin or triplet always carried the deeply-ingrained knowledge of the other child(ren) of their gender(s) and anything else. My sister's presence has been with me for 57 years. She will always be with me, and she has always been a comfort nto me, through my darkest days.