A Meeting Place for Early loss twins

This is really my twin's Enjy's place, not mine. S/He does not have any other place in this world. S/He was miscarried at age four months in the womb. We were twins and made to be together for years and we were torn apart within seconds. This is the place where I go to talk to him/her and about him/her. Anyone who has lost a twin in utero or very early is very welcome here to read and share.

Wednesday, April 13, 2011

You can't miss what you never had

It's the most popular reaction an early loss twinless twin gets when we first tell our story to others. You can't miss your twin, you never knew him/her.
This is true. You don't miss what you never had. I know that from experience.
I was born with my nose slightly more narrow than comfortable for breathing through it. I never knew that until some years ago - I was well in my forties then - a doctor examined me and casually-like mentioned "your nose is very narrow, you must have trouble breathing through it". I was like "Oh. Yeah. Right. Probably." The truth is, I had never thought about that before. My way of breathing was just my way of breathing. It's only in moments like last weekend when I swallowed a fly while riding my bike with my mouth open (for breathing) I realize I REALLY can't breathe too good through my nose. But I don't miss doing it because I never did it.
I do miss my twin, though.
I have always missed him. I have been talking to an invisible brother as long as I can remember. People used to smile at my "imaginary brother" at age four. Now, at age 47, I am subject to psychotherapy, of course, still talking to him. But inside me nothing has changed. He's still there. A silent, absent presence - if such a thing is possible.
It's true - you can't miss what you never had. The fact that I miss you so much, Enjy, is proof I had you.


  1. This is a very touching piece Anjy. The twin bond you have with Enjy lives on. I know this from what other early loss twinless twins have said. Some parents of early loss twins have also mentioned that they have noticed how the surviving twin has been affected. What Dr.Raymond William Brandt called 'utero bonding' is very strong!

  2. I just stumbled across this site, and this particular article really hit home. This is how I tried to reason through the the same loss. But you are right, we have every right to miss our lost twins because we really did have them. Thank you and good luck.